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[27 Apr 2007|06:58pm] |
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The world is what it is and I will do whatever is necessary to obtain what I want and need.
Hypocrisy is inevitable when two sides of the same soul forever disagree.
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[22 Apr 2007|02:54am] |
So glad to be back. So glad to be back in control.
May these wings never be clipped again. And may the fires always burn.
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[26 Feb 2007|11:39am] |
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 indescribable |
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What a revelation to discover that I never went anywhere at all, particularly because my failure and old habits, are not so hard to break as I, and even they are irrevocably tied to my very being.
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[27 Mar 2005|08:32pm] |
This may not make sense to some of you, but due to the prolonged absence or perhaps subconscious repression of the DarkmoonChild, this journal is closed until further notice. Basically until when he/her/it/I/we come back or I , I , I , figure out what the hell is going on.
Au revoir.
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[25 Mar 2005|11:33pm] |
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My respect level for men who hardcore shave or wax their chests (esp. the whole torso): low.
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[23 Mar 2005|12:13pm] |
Reconstructing my mental sanity is quite the task, but I have met the challenge as always. Then again, I am alone this time. Where is the DarkmoonChild when I am set to build the fortress that is my mind, laying down stone, memory, and defense? Our throne room echoes with the hollow sounds of absence, for I dare not assume the seat of control before we have both had our chance to lay claim for now. In the minutes before sleep, I call to him and ask for his return. No answer. No presence. This is something that I don't believe has happened before. Surrounded by the silence of response, I resume the reconstruction. Alone. For how long?
The scary thing is that I'm alright either way...
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[21 Mar 2005|01:08am] |
I haven't eaten in awhile. My mouth tastes like hunger and acid, yet it only tastes like the emptiness even though I'm not really hungry. Eating would likely make me vomit. At least I have the physical reserves, if not the emotional reserves, to make it through the night.
I'm going to go brush my teeth.
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[20 Mar 2005|05:03am] |
Mortality thrusts its way into my face like an unwanted penis seeking entrance to my clenched mouth. I remember that I have too often been the child of the moon and not of the sun. Shitty sun. Shitty son. Too eager to look towards the future and always neglecting the past. They are part of the past, unwanted in the future, and so I scorn them for their nurturing. Here is my chance to make it up to them and perhaps rid myself of the eternal guilt that I vowed to take to my grave. The situation is grave indeed. Once more the power of time transcends that of the moon, the sun, the son, the Darkmoon, and the Darkmoon Child. Only time will tell.
Wait and see.
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[18 Mar 2005|11:41am] |
When I told Nicole that I had randomly run into USN people while here in Evanston, she said, "i forget you and i went to school with them." That got me thinking. There are three categories of friends in my life:
High school friends, college friends, and friends from high school, the final category being people that I actually still talk to and have a friendship that exists beyond high school. I simply thought that those separate, special people needed distinction. You know who you are. And as a very strange coincidence, "What About Your Friends" just came on my iTunes.
I shall end the entry here before some other coincidental cosmic alignment explodes my toenails onto my eyebrows.
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[17 Mar 2005|01:42am] |
I feel a loss, and it's got me kinda shook
I keep on searching but it's nowhere I look
Somethin' is missin'!
Something is missing in my life (something is missing)
Won't somebody tell me where it's gone (something is missing)
Something is missing in my life
Somebody tell me where I've gone wrong
With my life
I move around, keep goin' day and night
I look for answers but they're nowhere in sight
Somethin' is missin'
On a bus or walking down the street
I feel lonely lost and incomplete
Whoa, whoa!
Somethin' is missin' in my life (Somethin' is missin')
Won't somebody tell me where it's gone (something is missing)
Somethin' is missing in my life
Somebody tell me where I've gone wrong
With my life
(Somethin' is missin' in my life) In my life
(Somethin' is missin' in my life) Somethin' is missin'
(Somethin' is missin' in my life)
Somethin' is missin'
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[14 Mar 2005|11:43am] |
For the past four nights or so, I have put myself to sleep by thinking about why I have been alone and why I will continue to be alone for an indefinitely long amount of time.
I cannot come up with counter reasons for the latter question.
In other news, I am going to be a summer counselor, so I can at least be thankful for things like that.
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[02 Mar 2005|01:45am] |
Disregard the last entry.
Translation: Bombs refilled.
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[01 Mar 2005|10:39pm] |
Why am I single?
Why do I not have any good pictures of myself?
Why do I have so much work that I don't have the will to go to the gym?
Why am I writing this?
Why do I feel this way when I clearly don't want to?
Why do I feel this way when I'm genuinely not depressed?
Why are other people so complicated?
Why can't I be the most complicated of them all?
Why can my life not be a fantasy?
Why am I stressing so much about getting this job?
Why do I sound so angsty?
Why am I getting on my own nerves?
Why can't I just grow up?
Why can't I see that I already have?
Why has my latent mutant power not kicked in?
Why do people think it's so immature to believe in mutant powers?
Why do I have writer's block?
Why am I single?
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[28 Feb 2005|07:29pm] |
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I wonder what would happen if I tried to speak only in iambic pentameter.
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[23 Feb 2005|06:17pm] |
Double le sigh.
My mother followed up her bitchy phone call with a bitchy and highly condescending e-mail.
I responded with 13 points arguing my defensive position and the appropriate amount of tact with only two instances of slight annoyance and bitterness towards her character.
I am impressed with her new e-mail sending skills though. It would be more helpful if I couldn't imagine her speaking the words anyway.
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[23 Feb 2005|03:50pm] |
Le sigh. As expected, here's how my "conversation" (as she called it) went with my mother.
These were some of her main points:
1. She couldn't understand why or rather what could make a person change his mind by 18 months of a difference and going to college.
2. I am to blame for many of her financial problems and I am expected to earn money to recompensate for those problems.
3. When I asked if my main priority in life was to pay her back, her answer was not, "No."
4. She implicitly, and almost explicitly, said that people who earn under $100,000 (single, not married) are unhappy and poor. One individual cannot sustain his own living with so little money as $50,000 a year.
That's what I call breeding, darling.
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[23 Feb 2005|02:06am] |
Disclaimer: I'm only worried about this because it has such a direct effect on what I do with my course selection as immediate as this summer. The latest update on what to do after college:
My mom is a complete bitch. Those of you who have known me long enough or have read this journal long enough know that. She wants me to make enough money so that I can pamper her when she's older and pay her the sums of money that she feels I owe to her even though most would easily classify what she's given me as "parental help and responsibility." Also, her being spoiled by her parents and her brothers and my dad have left her thinking that money, specifically brand-name material goods, are the only way to live. I grow tired of her utterly ridiculous ways.
Monica basically told me that she, "doesn't see me in medicine," and that I "have a greater purpose." She also told me to do what I wanted to and whatever makes me happy, and she supported the idea of me going on to be a writer. After God, I trust and value Monica's opinion more than anyone else's.
I have a pretty decent idea of what I'd like to do if I go down the writing track: I'd be writing as well as getting a PhD because I'm genuinely interested in teaching and publishing. None of this is set in stone. I really need to calm down and wait and see.
In other news, I'm still young, single, lonely, pensive, inspired, burning, exhausted, composed, frustrated, aggravated, temperate, and humble.
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[21 Feb 2005|09:57pm] |
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Worked myself way too hard at the gym...collapsing...........now.
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[16 Feb 2005|07:01pm] |
Instead of writing my history paper just yet...I've decided to consider the fact that some of my friends are actually like forces of nature. To be around them is like flying on gale force winds, like being incenerated by fire, like living underwater, like experiencing the depths of the earth. It is very intense. It is very beautiful. I'm not quite sure which forces of nature these people are, but they are each some individual force of their own.
Nic T.
Zeynep
I think that's it for now...if I think of more that fit into this category, I'll post it.
Added:
Ok, I thought about it...it's rather obvious. Nic is clearly fire, and Zeynep is definitely the wind.
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[16 Feb 2005|11:44am] |
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RACHEL!!!!! (and anyone else who knows the full story of this year and last year) I FOUND OUT SOMETHING SO HILARIOUSLY AWFUL THAT I LAUGHED OVER IT FOR A GOOD HALF HOUR!!!!!! IT'S SO RETARDED!!!! CALL ME, IM ME, DO SOMETHING!!!!
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